Things I don't normally talk about

I'm not sure why but I'm in the mood to talk tonight. Most of this is going to sound like incoherent religious rambling but it's currently what's on my mind.

Nathan is doing amazing. Jessica told me he was laughing this morning. Laughing! How amazing is that? Two weeks ago I thought he was gone. The surgeon called us into a room and told us he wasn't confident our son would live another hour. For the third time in my life I almost lost my son. It's a really strange experience having a child that's this sick. I didn't see him smile or even barely open his eyes for an entire month. I forgot everything. I've forgotten what he looked like, what his laugh sounds like, what his smile looks like. All I could see in front of me for weeks on end was a swollen child with an open chest. Scars and bruises covering his body. At first it's unbelievable sad. You hurt so bad you can't even eat. I'd stare at my food when we went to dinner and all I could think about was Nathan. Then, after a short period of time, maybe a week, it all becomes normal. You go from living in a normal house, driving to work, joking with friends, to staring at a sick baby for 12 hours a day and somehow it feels normal. When I got back to Arizona I saw Landon and he seemed so much older than he had a month ago. His speech is so much better, his legs are longer, he doesn't look like the child I left here. In some ways I feel like I missed something important. There's a piece of his life I didn't get to see and I'll never get that back. I traded it for time with Nathan and I'd do it again in a heartbeat but it still makes me sad. I'll have to make it up to him, starting this weekend by taking him to Jump City :).

I know a lot of you that read this blog don't believe in God. Some of you don't like organized religion because churches and the people going to them judge you and others like you. Some of you think believing in God is stupid, weak, or illogical. I have friends that are Catholic, Mormon, Atheist, Christian, Muslim, Gay, pretty much anything I can think of and I love all of them equally. I just don't care who you are or what you believe in. I'm not going to get all preachy on you but I do believe in God. I was raised a Christian from birth, and I'm sure that makes me biased in my faith. The way I've always looked at it is it doesn't hurt anyone or anything for me to believe in a God. If I'm wrong and there is no God, when I die I'll never know I was wrong will I? There have been three distinct times in my life when I thought Nathan would die. Each time I begged for peace and it was given to me. In my worst moments when I thought I couldn't go on I somehow found this indescribable peace. I'd like to believe Nathan is here for a purpose. He's going through all of this suffering so that Jessica and I can make a difference in the lives of others. Whether it be the heart moms Jessica talks with or the High School class in Florida that got together and made a banner and a build a bear for Nathan, we're somehow making a positive impact on this world. I'm grateful for my son and I'm also grateful for his heart condition. Even though it's been a terrible amount of suffering for all of us I think we'll be better off because of it.

At his 18 week ultra-sound the doctors suspected there was something wrong Nathans brain. They found enlarged ventricles and thought a piece of his brain was missing. This discovery led us to having other ultra-sounds that verified that there was in fact a problem with Nathan but that it wasn't his brain that was the problem, it was his heart. I cried the day I found out his brain was OK. I was so happy I was going to have a baby that "only" had a heart defect. One bad valve, who cares, big deal right? It's been the hardest year and a half of my life. I can't think of anything worse than seeing your child dying before your eyes. I've had so many people tell me "Don't worry, God won't give you more than you can handle". I don't know who came up with that saying but I don't think it's true. There is a verse in the bible that say's God won't give you more temptation than you can handle but that's different. Sit in front of you're baby with his chest wide open and have a doctor tell you they might not live the rest of the day and see how well you can handle it. I believe that at times we're given more than we can possibly ever handle so that we will give up and realize that we're not in control. When all options are taken away and you're told that there's only one chance left to save your child's life you can't do anything but sit and watch and pray. At that point, you've been given more than you can possibly handle and you have to lean on someone else for help. I said a prayer and asked for peace and it worked for me.

I'm done preaching. I try as hard as I can not to judge other people. I'm nowhere near perfect and I don't pretend to be. I'm having a beer while I write this, so there!

Kiss your kids! Try to be honest with people. Love your wife. You don't know how long you'll have with these people and you'll regret it if you don't. Easy to say, hard to do. I'm going to try to do a better job myself.

Aaron