Where to start?

As Aaron has previously stated, it has been a rough week. The gist of it being that Nathan has been in and out of several different types of heart rhythms. Currently, he is in atrial flutter. This means that the top part of his heart is fluttering and can't pump appropriately. There is no clear reason why this is occurring. What we do know is that his heart isn't responding to any of the things that gets him out of this strange rhythm (i.e. meds, shocking him).

They have determined that he definitely will need a pacemaker. What is still up in the air is whether he will need another open heart procedure. The surgeon believes that Nathan's new pulmonary valve (the one that takes blood to the lungs from the heart to get oxygen) is already severely faulty. It will need to be replaced sooner rather than later. His thought is, since we are already here, and Nathan is somewhat recovered, we should do it now. Yet, they can't guarantee that a new pulmonary valve won't crap out like this last one did.

This is an incredibly tough decision to make as a parent. We don't know what the right answer is. Do we say 'yes, do it' and then see amazing results or do we see the worst possible results? Do we say 'no, not now, lets wait' and he gets better or does he go into failure at home and we are fighting to get him to surgery quickly to save his life? We don't know the answer.

At this point, we are praying that the choice is taken out of our hands and the answer becomes obvious. We are too afraid to make a choice and have that choice backfire in our faces. What if the choice we decide on ends up meaning that Nathan's life ceases to exist? How can we live with ourselves? As a couple who functions so well as a team, we are finding ourselves split on what to do. We are practically across the country from one another trying to make a life altering decision for our 9 month old son. How do we do such a thing? How do we not bicker at one another? How do we not get angry and question everything? Who is right, who is wrong?

The answer is...we don't know!

In light of this new information, Aaron is trying to arrange to come back to Minnesota. I want so desperately to see him again, but not under these circumstances. I wish that my seeing him meant that Nathan and I were coming back home. I wish that it meant that I got to see Landon again. I've not seen him for almost 6 weeks. How do I survive for so long without seeing my other child? I never thought that I could go more than a few days without seeing my children. Now I know how truly heartbreaking it is not to see Landon. I wouldn't wish this kind of journey, and this kind of suffering, on the Devil! No one deserves this! I'm pretty sure that I was a horrible person in a past life because I'm definitely making up for it in this one.

I apologize for the incessant rant, but I had to express all of this somewhere. Tomorrow will be the day where we make the BIG decision for Nathan. I pray that we are guided to make the right decision and that our son will make it through all of this.